So I took this class. Those of you that have followed me over at Like Seriously through the years know that I’ve been grappling with my career for, oh, decades now, and it wouldn’t really surprise you that I would end up in something as cheesy sounding as “Working on Purpose: An environment for reviewing our work and lives, considering some purposeful possibilities, and composing some next steps for ‘working on purpose.’” It’s where I am in my life. Huddled up in the self-help section trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing.
During the class, we were invited to look at times where we felt we were “on purpose” and times when we felt energized. We also had to look at times we felt depleted. SHOCKINGLY, I don’t feel very ‘on purpose’ at my day job. I feel depleted and depressed and stupid most of the time. The times when I do feel “on purpose” are when I’m working with a team or writing or generally getting involved in something larger than my little world. I don’t know what is going to happen with that day job. I have some big decisions to make there, but one thing that became super clear during Working on Purpose, is that there is other “work” that has nothing to do with my job.
We had a brainstorm session where we wrote down what kinds of jobs or work we could do before all the negative voices set in. I did this earlier this year, but this time, I attempted being serious for a second. Some of my items:
• Owner of plus-sized consignment store
• Trainer for plus-sized runners/athletes
• Columnist – girls, family, body image
• Comedian
• Speaker – nutrition, food politics
• Blogger – nutrition, food politics, body image
• Obesity researcher
• Magazine writer
• Healthcare PR
• Personal shopper
• Organizer
You see where this is going, right? You look at the themes, see if there are any connections, etc. What’s driving all of it and why would I choose them? Sure, I am interested in all of these topics, but why?
I am driven by an overwhelming desire to make sure that my daughters don’t shrink. I shrank, my friends shrank, and I am in the process of watching my middle schooler shrink before my eyes. I don’t mean losing weight. I mean losing that self-confidence that makes you feel like you can kick the world’s ass on any given day. I mean falling victim to what this culture says girls can and can’t do. I want my girls to make their own mistakes and I am certainly leary of any parent that says they want to protect their kids from all danger, but I want to give my kids enough air cover to tell the world to fuck off.
I’m also driven to be one of many. Being all alienated in black and smoking clove cigarettes and listening to the Smiths worked for me when I was sixteen, but not so much now. I have to work hard to find other “athletes” with the same issues as me and even as a relatively “normal-sized” person, I have to work hard to find clothes. It’s an esteem killer and makes me wonder why I even bother. But when I run with other big runners or find a clothing manufacturer that works for me, holy crap, it’s amazing. And I want everyone to know.
There’s other ugly connections like my anal-retentive desire to ORGANIZE ALL THE THINGS and to control and tell people what to do, but I prefer to keep this positive.
Then we get to the part where I am almost always stall out – what do I do about it? My “purpose” wasn’t really surprising to me, as I’ve been zeroing in on these topics for a while now, but I always get caught up in what happens next. I get all hopped up on changing my life and the world and then the reality of a middle management job in IT and never ending diaper changing and bills and Screw This I’m Going to Just Watch The Kardashians sets in. And then I don’t do anything.
So this is my thing. A thing I can do. My commitment, if you will. I’m going to write about a few select topics that I think will help me find my purpose: Food, Fat, Faith, Fashion. And then we’ll see what happens next.
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